Thursday, February 10, 2005

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

An audiobook I bought because of a piece on the Santaland Diaries I heard on NPR. That’s one of the short stories in this compilation and probably the only one worth listening to again. It’s a diary the author kept while working as an elf in Santaland at Macy’s Department Store in New York. It is funny.

One busy day there was a long line for the women’s restroom and some lady asked me, “Where’s the line for the women’s restroom?” “Um,” I said, “I think it’s the one with all the women standing in it.” “I’m going to have you fired.” Oh yeah, do me a favor. Who did she think she was? What I wanted to say was, I’m going to have you killed.

Another mom was having trouble controlling her little boy and she said to me, “Mister Elf, tell little Tommy here that if he doesn’t behave Santa’s going to bring him nothing but coal.” “Actually,” I said, “Santa doesn’t deal in coal anymore. If you’re naughty he just comes into your house and takes things. He’s going to steal all your appliances, including your refrigerator, and all your food will go bad and stink up your house.” “Okay,” the mom said, “that’s enough.” “He’s going to take all your lamps and towels and blankets, Tommy, and leave you in the cold and dark with nothing. Boy, let me tell you, when he gets done with you, you’re going to wish you never even heard the name Santa.”

Funny stuff.

No comments:

Post a Comment